Rosh Hashana 5770: Happiness

OK, sometimes I am a little bit grouchy. I am a serious guy and I probably don’t smile enough. So last summer, a member of the congregation came up to me, noticing the lack of expression on my face and asked me, “Rabbi, are you happy?”

Wow! What was I to make of a question like that? Happy? I am not sure I ever gave that one much thought. I have asked myself many questions in my life: Am I good? Am I satisfied? Do I give enough? All kinds of questions-never that one.

You might agree with me here: it has been a lousy year: the economy has put everyone on edge there are people out of work: everyone is making do with less --there is not a person, business, or institution (and I include the Alliance in this) which hasn’t been hurt. This is a tough year to talk about happiness because so many people today seem so unhappy. But one might say: it is this year, perhaps more so than at any other time in the recent past: that we should talk about what it means for a person, to be happy.

My Dad, who was a beautiful soul: and was himself: once or twice accused of being a grouch, used to say to me: Bruce, it doesn’t matter what you do in life as long as you are happy. I dismissed that one liner as a teenager; and never gave it much thought until now: because this past summer at a difficult time, in a difficult year: someone asked me: “Rabbi, are you happy?”

I typically need George Burns at a time like this. His take on take on happiness: “happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family… in another city.”

So let me ask all of you the same question: Are you happy? And what does that even mean?

I didn’t actually answer the question straight away. I wanted to think about it. I thought I’d study the issue and see what our tradition had to say about it.

And as with most things: Judaism has quite a lot to say about happiness. Our tradition says that not only is happiness a good thing; but every Jew has a moral obligation to be happy. It’s a commandment! Here it is in the Torah: Deuteronomy 26: “you shall rejoice with all the good that the Almighty has given you.” And the Rambam codified this law in his Mishna Torah which reads: “Be neither frivolous nor sad. Be consistently happy, and carry a pleasant facial expression.”
Kashrut, Shabbes, Tzedakah ---Jews pay attention to all these commandments: yet how many of us ever learned from our Jewish studies that we have an obligation to be happy?

Here are what some other Jews have to say about this: Baruch Spinoza: “what everyone wants from life is continuous and genuine happiness.” Anne Frank wrote in her diary: “we all live with the objective of being happy.” And not just Jews expressed this desire: Listen to Aristotle: 4th century BCE: “happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human experience.”

Happiness is what we all want! Judaism insists that we acquire it. We should probably then come to some agreement about what it is!

Well, let’s start with what it is not.

There are actually people who study happiness scientifically: they use interviews, longitudinal studies, attitude surveys: the whole thing. And in these studies they have determined that what most people believe about happiness is wrong.

Myth # 1: Happiness is out there somewhere, perhaps just beyond our reach. If only certain things were to come to pass, I’d be happy: like marrying my true love, securing a dream job, living in the perfect city. Not true. Studies show that people, who are fortunate enough to have these things, do not report any more happiness on a happiness scale than those who do not.

Myth # 2: If only I were beautiful, I’d be happy. Again, not true. The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons found that after surgery, those who reported that they were most satisfied with their post surgery appearance, felt happy, but only for a short period of time. There was a happiness boost right after the surgery, but it eventually just faded away.

Myth #3: If only I had a lot of great things, I’d be happy. Great car, flat screen TV, big house: I’d be happy then. Nope. In the 1940’s, a third of American homes did not have running water, indoor toilets, bathtubs, or showers: more than half of those households had no central heating. Today most Americans have all of these things and more. Yet the percentage of people today who say they are happy? A few percentage points lower than the percentage of people reporting happiness in 1940.

So what if I was famous: a great athlete, movie star, and musician? Wouldn’t I be happy then? This isn’t scientific but read People Magazine: most famous people are a mess: broken marriages, problem children, addiction, depression and sometimes early death: I am thinking of Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, and this past summer; Michael Jackson. My sense and probably yours as well: famous people do not score very high on a general happiness scale.
One last myth: and the most common. Wouldn’t I be happy if only I were rich? The studies say not necessarily: No correlation was found between wealth and happiness. People in extreme poverty who don’t have basic needs met report lower levels of happiness than others: but once basic needs are met: there is no difference in reported levels of happiness between the rich and everyone else.
So if happiness is not wealth, it’s not fame. What is it?
The problem here is it is not so easy to define. It is like the Supreme Court’s ruling on obscenity: “you [kind of] know it, when you see it.” But there is a dictionary definition which we will just have to use. You can find it in the Merriam-Webster dictionary: “happiness is a state of well-being and contentment.”
Notice the definition says a state: it does not say a feeling of well being and contentment. Feelings come and go: they are fleeting. We know happy people: they have good moods and bad but that doesn’t seem to change their overall positive and optimistic attitude towards their life. We read in the Psalms: a happy person is like “a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season; its leaf shall not wither…” Happiness is a resilient state of well-being and contentment: resilient like a tree beside a river. Whatever winds and storms come to blow it down: it weathers them all: Life is very difficult; it breaks your heart; there is suffering and there is loss and there is disappointment. But somehow, the happy soul retains its footing: it has deep roots: it finds nourishment and remains stable and strong and giving, despite all that comes its way. There is profound power in the soul of a person who is genuinely happy.

To my mind, there are three necessary components to happiness. The first: count your blessings. The second: cherish people. The third: live meaningfully. Let’s take a look at each of these.

Count your blessings. The Psalmist says: “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” And what this means is that our days are numbered. Life is short and it is fragile. Every day must be savored as any day could be our last.
Now I use the word "savor" intentionally. Savor, in Hebrew is "taam" which means to taste but it also means to discern with all of one’s senses. Taam means to recognize and appreciate with one’s whole being those blessings that are right in front of us.

Even the simplest of blessings: even something as simple as our food. How fast do you eat? Do you appreciate the taste of each bite of your food?. I have to admit, I don’t. I can wait ten minutes before members of my family start eating and still finish before everyone else. While Tammy sits and enjoys her food, I am already stacking the dishwasher.

And wine. There are people here that enjoy fine wines. God bless them. But my recommendation to all of them: don’t drink it with me, because I tend to drink wine like most people drink beer, you know, "down the hatch." Wine people are horrified at me. They tip the glass to look at it, smell it, and sip it. Who’s got time for all that? For me, wine’s ok, never loved it. And it is no wonder why. I don’t enjoy wine because I never slow down enough to taste it.

And vacations. My kids have been trying for years to teach me how to go on vacation. I am a slow earner, but that is all that is slow about me. We went camping this summer. I wanted to get up to the camp site fast, no stops in the car. We had ground to cover. Once we got to the camp site, we got that car unloaded, the tents up, sleeping bags, mattresses, we had to move it because as I told my brood: "we were burning day light, here." So quickly and efficiently, and….. quickly, we were off for the first hike.

The next camp site over, the dad was sitting on a chair drawing circles in the sand with a stick. The mom was fiddling with the flap of the tent, kids were playing hide-and- seek or something.

I went speeding by them, in the zone, time to hike --and I looked over at them and thought, "hey, what’s wrong with them?”

A couple of years back, one of my kids wrote this poem. It read: “Interesting, the life of a bee: work, work, work, fly, fly, fly. Eat, sleep, fly, work. Busy, busy, busy, busy.” Where did he get all that from?

The Chasidim do this right. They say that when you pray, you do one word at a time, with kavannah, with intention. Say the word "shema" and make that word you whole prayer. Then say "yisrael" and make that word your whole prayer. Slowly, thoughtfully: savoring each word.

After we eat, we say grace: "birchat ha mazon." We say: "achalta, v’savata, u’verachta et adonai elohecha," eat, yes. Be satisfied, yes, and then wait. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t rush off for the next thing. Bless God. Remember God. Recognize the miracle that we have food to eat. Take a little time to enjoy it and then be grateful.

There is a story about a man who goes to heaven and stands in judgment before the throne of the King of Kings: the Creator of All Things. He makes his argument before God: "I was righteous, I performed good deeds. I was learned and productive and giving." But God waved his hand and dismissed his argument saying, "you were indeed a good man. But I condemn you. I condemn you for all the pleasures and joys that I created for you in the world that you passed them up."

There is no happiness without appreciating the pleasures and the blessings in one’s life every single day.

The second component to happiness: cherish people.

The car I drive came with a GPS. You may have heard that men hate asking for directions; so the women of the world created the GPS. You plug in the address and then a deep, sultry, woman’s voice begins to tell you, “make a right at the light, go straight, your destination is on the left.” Now men appreciate this and they kind of get attached to their new lady friend because this is a woman who can read a map! Do you remember the commercial. The driver wants to take his relationship with the GPS lady to the next level and she just continues to give directions and he says to her,“ok, you’re right we’ll keep this strictly business.”

We are meant to be with people; the real kind: the ones with flesh and blood. Our happiness is dependent on being with people.

We learn in the Mishna: "al tifrosh min hatziboor," do not separate oneself from the community. Community exists for one fundamental reason: to bring people together in a way that makes relationships possible. Those of you who come to services on Shabbat morning have probably noticed something interesting. Most people spend about two hours in the service, which is a good amount of time. But they spend at least that long and often longer at the kiddush. And do you know what? We set the day up this way intentionally. Now don’t go telling people I said this, because I will deny it. But listen, here is the truth: the Kiddush is as important as the service. It is as important as the service and this is why. It is at the Kiddush where we build this community. It is where people get to know each other so that they can share their lives with one another. Our relationship with God is important. Our relationship with each other is every bit as important.

"Lo tov hayot ha’adam, levado, it isn’t good for man to be alone.

There is no happiness without genuine relationships. There is no happiness unless we truly cherish the people in our lives.

Meaning. The third necessary component of happiness is living a meaningful life.

Victor Frank was a Holocaust survivor who spent time in Theresienstadt and Auschwitz. He wrote in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” that the concentration camp inmates who still retained some sense of purpose in their lives, whether it was to survive to be a witness to the horror or to be reunited with loved ones, these were the inmates more likely to survive the camp. Frankl wrote that “striving for meaning in one’s life is the primary motivational force in man.”

Dennis Prager remarks in his book, "Happiness is a Serious Problem," that there are two kinds of meaning in one’s life that we must consider which are both necessary to living a satisfying, and happy life. The first is a sense that one’s own life is meaningful.

I saw the movie, “The Matrix” again this summer. People in the movie from birth are plugged into this machine that simulates life for them in their minds. They just lie there in this goop thinking that they are living. But, of course, they are not living. Their lives are a lie because they are not out in the real world making a difference. Their life is not worth living because their life means nothing.

A happy life, a life of satisfaction requires that we make some kind of impact in the real world.

I too often sit with families who have suffered a loss. We sit and they talk to me about their loved one: they tell me a little about where the person was born: what schools he or she went to and what he did in his work. But then the members of the family begin to relax a little; and sometimes they even smile, as they begin to tell me what this person was really like. : The special moments shared with spouses or children or friends. They mention humor and kindness and charity. They mention involvement in the community. And they mention what their loved one did to help others less fortunate. That is the real information I receive about someone who has passed away: not what they had, or where they lived, but what they did in the world that made a difference in people’s lives. That is what a life means.

The psychologist Martin Seligman did an experiment with college students. He set one group out to have fun: hang out with friends, go see a movie: get some ice cream. He then set another group out to participate in a service project that directly helped others in need. The next day, both groups wrote a paper on their experiences throughout the day of the project. The results were interesting. The group that went out and had fun said their day was ok. But the group that did the service project reported that their day was great: they felt satisfied and good about themselves. They said they were friendlier during the day, that they were better listeners and more appreciative for what they had in their lives. In fact, they reported, that at least for that one day, they were… happier. Happiness and contentment come when we can make a positive impact on others.

Prager says that the second kind of meaning in life is the sense that not only is one’s own life meaningful, but that life itself is meaningful. For the Bible, the world makes sense. The world is moving on a particular course: a course that gets better with each successive generation. In fact, the world is moving towards perfection: towards a messianic era in which there will be no hunger or disease: an era in which there will be world peace and every person on earth will have their needs met and feel complete satisfaction.

Now this is the Bible’s view. But then come the Rabbis of the Talmud to add something critically important. The world will get better, yes, and God will do His part to make this happen, yes. But for the Rabbis, the real work of perfecting the world falls upon human beings: l’taken olam b’malchut shadai, tikkun olam.”: We are obligated to fix this world, to keep it on its course. God created the world unfinished and made us partners with Him in moving it towards perfection. That is why we are here on this earth. That is our purpose: that is what our lives mean and what all life means.

George Bernard Shaw wrote the following: “this is the true joy of life, [a life] being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one.”

So what is happiness? It’s not fame, beauty, or riches. It is not a life without illness or loss or suffering as these are inevitable in every person’s life. Rather, happiness is an approach to life. An approach that recognizes and savors the blessings we have in life however many or few. It is engaging fully with others in our families and communities creating strong and abiding relationships. And it is living with a purpose and a cause, to make this world into a place worthy of God’s creation.

I recently read a story about an elderly man and his daughter who enter a senior housing facility. His wife of over half a century recently died and he was no longer able to take care of himself. As they approached his new room, the daughter says to her father, "I have arranged all the furniture for you; I think you’ll be happy with it. “I love it," said the old man. "Dad, how can you love it; you haven’t even seen it yet? "My dear," said the father. "I have lived a long life; I was married to your mother for 56 years and I loved her every day of it. Together we raised you and you became a kind, and decent human being. I worked hard all my life. I had a little and I gave a lot away. I decided long ago that I would be happy with this room, as I decided long ago that I was happy with my life. Thank you for arranging the furniture in the room. But my happiness comes from how I arranged the furniture of my life."

So are you happy? I don’t know about you, but I still have some work to do in this regard. God says “you shall rejoice with all the good that the Almighty has given you.” Happiness is a mitzvah that we must continually try to fulfill.

So let me wish you all a shana tova: a good year, a year of good health and a year of…….happiness. Shana tova tikatevu.

Rabbi Bruce Dollin; Rosh Hashana 5770